Forever, in a Flux.
Forever, in a Flux.
I wonder what compels us to speak. To utter words.
A desire to communicate?
Or a desire to express?
I, often, wonder how much of what we say has a purpose and a consequence.
I want to dissipate and fuse with the air molucules hovering over my skin. Then, to infect everyone and everything that come my way.
I want to take over, possess, and consume.
Then move on, and leave nothing behind.
Let me love you.
Let me devastate you.
Recently I have been obsessed with the idea of minimalism, and decluttering my life. Decluttering my home, my closet, my expenses, my body, my mind, and my heart.
Leading a simple healthy life with an enriched spirit and mind has been very appealing of late and I have been searching for ways I can achieve that.
I’ve donated two thirds of clothes that I hardly wear, and have been reusing the same outfits. I haven’t spent money on new clothes in a year. It makes for an easier morning routine.
I have no make up products apart from my eyeliner and a mascara for special occasions. Most of my beauty and care products are made from natural ingredients (some are even my own DIYs).
I gave away a third of my kitchenware that I almost never use. Anything else that I don’t need and doesn’t bring me joy, I either give away or throw away.
The only thing I spend extra cash on these days are books…I could always borrow them, but I dream of having a library of my own.
1- identify the essential
2 – eliminate the rest
I do not know what the next step is for me right now. I am killing all ambitions I have, and I am going to accept the present and live in the moment. I am giving myself sometime to recover.
I don’t have any fight left in me.
I am going through a rough patch in my life and I have no outlet. My life took a downturn two years ago. It coincides with the time I got married, but that has nothing to do with the person I married, who I believe with every fibre of my body is my true love in life and the partner I was looking for. It is simply how I mark the time in my mind.
My struggles can be summed up better this way; the goals I wanted to have achieved by now were not realized. I am still in debt, I couldn’t graduate the degree I work very hard for on a technicality, my dad has a heart condition that needs a serious surgery, my mom and I are not on good terms, I had to relocate far away from home for a job that turned out the opposite of what I wanted at this stage of my career. Also, I have been trying for a year and half to have children with no success.
To be honest, I do not know where to begin to straighten all of this out. Deep down in my heart, I think the best step is to go back home to my family and loved ones. Being alone and isolated does not help. For that to happen, I either need to transfer back or quit.
This is where I am at right now…
The biggest regret I never want to have is to live my life in a way that isn’t mine.
Sometimes, staying still is the best option, when every move forward you could possibly take will cost you more than you can afford to pay.
Freeze, and let time do what it does best; passing by.
I was not kidding when I said that 2018 will be a health-focused year. I’ve been reexamining the way I eat, the way I sleep, what activities I engage in, even what products I use to wash and groom myself.
I have been mindful of my mental state and actively avoiding stressful thinking. I no longer bring work back home with me. If I had more work, I simply stayed later at work and finished it, but made sure I left early or on time the next day.
I am careful of the chemicals that I use to clean and groom myself. My goal is to go completely natural. I started with hair care, where I henna to die my hair, oil treatments to condition it and wash my hair with a 100% organic shampoo as infrequently as I can. I am even thinking of not using shampoo at all, but seek out natural alternatives. I also changed my soap bar to a 100% oatmeal and olive oil natural soap. It’s been helping with my eczema. I am slowly switching the rest.
I try to exercise for 30 minutes everyday. Focusing mostly on cardio and healthy heart workouts. I am not interested in extreme muscle toning, resistance training or endurance training. I won’t be running marathons any time soon either. I try to use to my body weight as much as possible to train and stay in shape and walk as often as I can.
I am looking at changing my diet as well. I am not looking to lose weight, but mainly to have the right nutrients and maintain my health and sustain the right energy levels.
This year will not be about growth, as the past years have been. I am accustomed to challenging myself and seeking adversity to push myself to grow, to the point where I neglect myself. Because of that I find it difficult to switch gears; for example, I do not have many recipes that are healthy, and often I find it hard to shop for groceries because what I am used to is no longer what I seek to stay healthy. Another example is that, apart from hitting the treadmill or spinning bike, I do not have a specific workout routine to adhere to.
So I have been doing a lot of research, writing things down, making lists and all sort of trackers until I have adopted different habits and embedded the right routines in my life.
In a way this is growth as well, I imagine.
It feels good to take care of one’s self.
It’s been long overdue.