I have 22 drafts that I have not yet published. The oldest one dates back to December 16, 2016.
Some words are to be written, and not published. Just like secret thoughts that you whisper to yourself, but do not wish to express.
They are only budding and have not yet taken their full shape and meaning, yet they are pushing forward and claiming their place in the space of your mind, and have no intention of ceasing to grow.
Judge me, silently.
I have been writing for the past 30 minutes, lost in the content I was creating, when I caught my husband looking at me and smiling. When I asked him what was up, he said that I was glowing and he couldn’t’t look away.
Writing makes me happy. More than speaking, more than drawing, or any other type of expressive or creative medium. Something about the action of typing down and seeing every letter, slowly giving a shape to my thoughts and the subtle nuances of words that carefully depict ideas and I find very comforting.
The timing is interesting, because I have been thinking very very hard about the one activity that makes me happiest, and it is and always has been writing; of all genre, in all four languages I speak.
Words make me feel grounded and anchored, and I think I will hold on to them for a little while.
Forever, in a Flux.
I wonder what compels us to speak. To utter words.
A desire to communicate?
Or a desire to express?
I, often, wonder how much of what we say has a purpose and a consequence.
I want to dissipate and fuse with the air molucules hovering over my skin. Then, to infect everyone and everything that come my way.
I want to take over, possess, and consume.
Then move on, and leave nothing behind.
Let me love you.
Let me devastate you.
Recently I have been obsessed with the idea of minimalism, and decluttering my life. Decluttering my home, my closet, my expenses, my body, my mind, and my heart.
Leading a simple healthy life with an enriched spirit and mind has been very appealing of late and I have been searching for ways I can achieve that.
I’ve donated two thirds of clothes that I hardly wear, and have been reusing the same outfits. I haven’t spent money on new clothes in a year. It makes for an easier morning routine.
I have no make up products apart from my eyeliner and a mascara for special occasions. Most of my beauty and care products are made from natural ingredients (some are even my own DIYs).
I gave away a third of my kitchenware that I almost never use. Anything else that I don’t need and doesn’t bring me joy, I either give away or throw away.
The only thing I spend extra cash on these days are books…I could always borrow them, but I dream of having a library of my own.
1- identify the essential
2 – eliminate the rest
I do not know what the next step is for me right now. I am killing all ambitions I have, and I am going to accept the present and live in the moment. I am giving myself sometime to recover.
I don’t have any fight left in me.
I am going through a rough patch in my life and I have no outlet. My life took a downturn two years ago. It coincides with the time I got married, but that has nothing to do with the person I married, who I believe with every fibre of my body is my true love in life and the partner I was looking for. It is simply how I mark the time in my mind.
My struggles can be summed up better this way; the goals I wanted to have achieved by now were not realized. I am still in debt, I couldn’t graduate the degree I work very hard for on a technicality, my dad has a heart condition that needs a serious surgery, my mom and I are not on good terms, I had to relocate far away from home for a job that turned out the opposite of what I wanted at this stage of my career. Also, I have been trying for a year and half to have children with no success.
To be honest, I do not know where to begin to straighten all of this out. Deep down in my heart, I think the best step is to go back home to my family and loved ones. Being alone and isolated does not help. For that to happen, I either need to transfer back or quit.
This is where I am at right now…