Everything I am doing tomorrow is something I did not chose to do. They are all things I can do, and I must do at some point, but my head is elsewhere.
My semester went great. I got excellent to above average grades on all my courses (but one, which I dropped). In a way, I am happy, and in another I am indifferent. I am indifferent because I am not pursuing this degree for the grades. It is to expand my knowledge and arm myself with the right tools to advance my career and eventually build my own business. On the other hand, I am glad the grades are sufficiently high because it keeps my doors open if I ever feel like pursuing anything else after.
As for work, I wrapped up the year very strong. I received an award from the company for a great performance, especially since it is a first-time role, and I am a first-time in-role employee. In other words, this position was recently created and I was approached to blaze the trail, and give it structure and form, for those who will follow suite, when I move on. It was tough, the manager was tough, and the team was tough. Nobody knew, what, where, and how; accountability and responsibilities were not clear, and I was caught between two entities that didn’t get a long. But I succeeded. I brought everyone together and I diplomatically followed the agenda I crafted to create some sense of direction for everyone else. I believe next year will be much easier and everyone will know what to expect and what is expected of them.
All that to say, what I have to do tomorrow does not interest me in the least. My head is in a new space with a newly found passion. Every minute I am not arduously pursuing that passion is a minute wasted that I can not get back, and it bothers me so deeply to the point that my head hurts. It’s as if you are swimming against a current and your arms begin to ache, because you’re effort is not in the direction of where this current naturally flows.
So I am going to waste half a day tomorrow, plugging away at my inconvenient-to-do list.
I am fasting tonight so I can get some blood tests done tomorrow.
There is a very delicious cheese cake in the fridge that my husband bought yesterday.
I am tormented.