What value do I bring to the world?
I haven’t figured this one out. I am afraid that soon I will come to the conclusion that I didn’t make a difference in the world at all. All the time I had spent alive, I spent on bettering myself and myself only. I seem to bring happiness to those close to me for some reason, but other than that how else did I make the world a better place? I haven’t.
I have always felt indebted to the world for my existence. But I always saw that the best way to repay the debt is to take every opportunity that comes my way to improve myself and grow, and to earn the right to be here. I had spent years reviewing and revising my values, my ethical compas, my logic and reasoning. Any other way, I would have wasted the privilege of being here. In return, in my pursuit of enlightenment, I hope to inspire others to do the same.
But do I really? And how is that different? How is improving ourselves adds up to improving the world? no one else is benefiting than ourselves. I’ve remained disconnected from strangers. I do not seek to touch people’s lives. I do not ”go out there” and try to make a difference. I simply am, and continue to be. Be the best I could be, but still only me.
At some point, I thought, maybe if I am great, I would become a great mother, and perhaps my children can make a difference in the world. But do I really have the right to burden them with such a task?
This week I had a very long week. Between work and school I am exhausted. The thing about my work is that it demands lots of mental energy. It is not routine or repetitive, and I am engaged fully. The thing about my school is pretty much the same. I’ve decided that after this degree I am done with the academic world. With this one, I would have done sciences and business. I would like to pursue law at some point, but it might just be some certification on the side with no pressure. I am much interested in and motivated by the social sciences right now. I want to understand human beings, communities, and societies and research it. Then I want to tell the world about it and have them take a second look at their behavior, to become better. But I feel like the last part is only a byproduct of making people aware. My true interest is the research itself. I want to know who we are, and why we are. Why people do what they do. I want to be on the outside of it all and understand.
I’ve decided to write a 2000 words essay and compete in a liberal sciences competition. I’ve always wanted to write and publish. I might not win, but this will be my first step, and I would have officially written, published, and had my article read by a group of people who are qualified to criticize and judge my work. I have three months to work on the essay.
Big dreams, so little time.

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