I am so eager to finish my degree and start doing other things in my life. My vacation is over and I go back to work today. I am getting in a little late today because I got in on my vacation last week for an hour and half meeting.

I want to finish my degree with flying colours, so that I can move on to other ventures.

My deepest darkest desire is to simply unfold. All of me, to be disclosed, laid out and revealed to the light.

I am feeling a little less happy today. To be honest, I felt it creeping during week and finally, tonight I had the down I was anticipating.

I am trying to achieve too much at once. When I lay everything down in a timetable or a weekly schedule it fits. What this exercise does not take into account is the energy expense behind every task I’ve scheduled. Some tasks need too much energy, like meetings and training sessions, where I deal with people and need to flex my emotional intelligence (especially empathy). Some tasks are rejuvenating, like individual work, analyzing and planning, or learning.

Actually if I can only examine the people aspect for now and take a second look at what I just wrote, I think that being around people can be both energizing and draining, depending on the activity that I am doing. If it is collaborative work then it feels great; things like brainstorming, planning, and strategizing – activities where we are on the same side of the subject. If it is confrontational work then it is taxing and exhausting, like negotiating, selling an idea, getting buy-in- an activity where we are on opposite sides of the subject.

So, when most of my day is spent in doing confrontational activities rather than collaborative activities, I end up mentally drained and requiring a longer recovery time. Where I lose control is when I can not afford a recovery time because I need to deal with the next activity demanding my attention. The next activity being collaborative or not, I simply do not have any mental energy left to deal with it.

While I’d like to action plan against this insight, and run my schedule according to my mental state, I do not think that the plan will be in effect for long, because of the unpredictable nature of people.

Perhaps I need to engage in some mental and emotional gymnastics and develop some sort of flexibility or endurance. Also, perhaps, identify some restorative activities, how long the restorative activity takes and how quickly it yields recovery. Then maybe I can engage in them when needed; kind of like pain killers or muscle relaxants – but for the mind.

As for having too much to achieve in little time, I’ve postponed some of my objectives in order to give myself some room to breath, until I’ve developed the stamina to pursue so many.

I was thrown off when I felt that I was determined and you were hesitant. Perhaps I was a little overzealous, but the last I expected is to feel like I had to convince you to take a step forward with me.

I am not interested in circling around the same boundaries forever and only imagining what a much more enriched experience might look like.

Life is too short and I don’t want to miss out. I am moving on.

I love my husband very much. Not many people are blessed to meet their soulmate, but I have been lucky. I can not describe the way that I adore him. When I think of him, I think of kindness, and affection, and security.

I am just so grateful he is in my life.

To better clarify expectations with my ”Clients”, I should:

*clearly establish what I do, and what I don’t do.

*follow through on the things I do do meticulously. 

 

Last night I had a dream about my mother in law. I dreamt that she showed up at our place early in the morning with old photo albums, to visit and connect with her son while I was busy getting ready for work.

The little time I get to have with my husband, she stole away.

In reality I am not mad at my mother in law. I am mad at my husband for not drawing a line and limiting her intrusion into our lives. I can trust him to know what is best for us when it comes to his mother.